The reason I’m doing this

   I wanted to write my experiences down so that my kids might be able to get a picture of what I was feeling and going through as a father to be and a father after they were born. I wish that I would have started writing as soon as I found out that Kristy was pregnant, but c’est la vie. The 18^th week will have to do and I will write like a madman to catch up with the experiences that we go through.

   To be honest this was Kristy’s idea. I was thinking of putting my thoughts and experiences up on a blog, which I’m doing, but Kristy convinced me that it would be a lot better if there was a hard copy. I would be able to go into greater depths with my feelings and thoughts. I would be able to write down stuff that I would like only my children to read; the good and the bad. So, thinking that writing in a journal was an amazing idea, that’s what I’m doing.

   The stuff I’m writing in the journal is addressed to my children in a way that it might be read as a conversation. My hope is that they will read it one day and hear my voice reading it to them and realize what a profound and happy change them being born was to my life and how much they mean to me. They will be able to read the hardships and the joys of their lives through my eyes and hopefully understand some of the decisions that were made along the way and how I feel about them.

That said; let’s ask the question, how do I feel? 

 

   I can’t get over how much I want to hold them in my arms. I want to hear what they sound like and see what they look like. I can’t wait to see if they are boys, girls or both. I imagine every father to be has these thoughts and feelings and every time I look at Kristy I get this warm rush flash through my system. Love, fear, anxiety, happiness, impatience... all at the same time. I saw a video today saying that although you do feel this overwhelming love for your child as soon as they are born and placed in your arms for the first time, it is nothing compared to the feeling of love you feel 4, 5, 6 years down the road. I want to experience both of these so bad it hurts. 

   Of course I can’t wait to experience the good things having these children in my life will bring, but I also fear for the future; unhappy experiences that go along with the good. 

   This planet of ours is a messed up place. So many times I turn on the T.V. and see murder, abduction, pain and misery. I see videos of people jumping over benches in a court room to attack a convict that did something to their family member. I also see things closer to home like reading police reports of missing persons, car crashes, and homicides. I see first-hand and know or knew drug addicts, alcoholics, and people with mental disabilities that started out just like my children will. In a loving, caring, "normal" family.

   And it scares me. 

   And when I look even closer to home, I wonder what kind of father I’m going to be? I hope I’m not too rough on them. I want to do things right. I can look back on my life and see where I went wrong and I hope I can be a good enough Father to steer them away from the same mistakes I made. I know they will make their own mistakes in life. I just hope I can be strong enough and give them the love and support that they need to get through them safely. 

   Please forgive me my mistakes. I don’t mean them.

   Stay tuned.

~M~